Experiment 8: Connection

I've fallen a bit behind in these courses because I finally had the opportunity to go visit my daughter in Malaysia. Its been over a year since she left the US to follow her boyfriend to his homeland. Needless to say, the month long trip was all about connection - not only with my daughter but also her fiancé, his large extended family, the new world that she now lives in and also connecting inward to what changes this reality brings to my own life.

This is juxtaposed with my life here in the states. A life where the pandemic still permeates our community and maintaining familial and friendship ties always come with conditions and concerns. I've come home and re-entry hasn't been straightforward. Connecting with husband, friends, and family who have continued doing what they do while navigating their lives. I feel like I'm in slow motion while they are speeding by in fast motion. Asking my husband to slow down and walk with me  at my pace hasn't gone over very well. He looks at me like I'm asking for something new. I'm looking at his response as a rejection and an example of how "needy" I am. Oh boy - that's a stew that could get toxic. 

Getting curious helps. All I can do is spend more time figuring out where I'm at. I'm having the experience that I am having but I need to also bring some compassion to the table - to myself. I've spent the last month actively staying open and processing new connections. Listening attentively, being present in a very different culture and trying very hard to be an ambassador for my family with what will soon be my daughter's married family - while also trying to maintain my own authentic sense of self. I've had to deal with some harsh realities, some painful memories, and let go of expectations that I didn't know (yet again) that I had. Those expectations revolve around one of my children (and her future children) living half way around the world. Multigenerational dynamics around tribe and community, support and how we show love have to find new expression and avenues. In many ways this past month felt like I was having to build new synapses - new pathways in my framework of living. Giving over and surrendering my cultural norms to allow other cultural norms to also be respected and adhered to. Some things feel okay, other things are challenging. Most of all, this is a process of assimilation that will continue to be developed.

Which brings me back to this moment where jet lag is still keeping me up at night and my partner is confused as to why I can't just pick up where we left off in the busy whirlwind rhythm of our lives. There is a nugget of truth in my assertion that he isn't making space for me to share my journey over the past month - but there is a larger nugget for me to examine which is acknowledging how hyper attuned I've had to be for the past month - and that I am mentally wiped out. Building new frameworks also takes energy and processing. I'm feeling protective of myself right now; vulnerable, in my shell. And trying hard to find some balance between my own internal state and the needs of those around me.

I'm the one that needs to be gentle with me. I need to look at what I have to shed and what I want to keep. I'm the one that needs to sit and listen to the wind in the trees. I'm the one that needs to walk through the woods and settle back into the new skin of my life.  And, as the poet EM Claire asks, I need to decide what qualities I want that new skin to harden with. Connectivity with those I love is huge but being curious and receptive to what is happening at the other end of the connection is imperative. I want to give that. I want to receive that as well.

Takeaway: Be mindful when bringing connection into your life. It pulls and pushes. Metabolize, process, take a deep breath. Connecting with others always begins by connecting inwards.